In my series of articles on attachment theory, I have covered the different types of attachment styles: Dismissive avoidant, fearful avoidant, anxious preoccupied, and secure.
If you follow my writing, we have talked about how to develop from your current attachment style into a secure attachment.
While we are all on our journey to a secure attachment, don’t forget about the milestones you cross on the way; those are accomplishments too.
You don’t want to rush to the mountaintop without appreciating the journey it took to get there.
I challenge you to continue on your path, which can take years, but pat yourself on the back for the skills you’ll attain.
What if I am only beginning my journey?
The article will apply to you as well. As you begin your development, you will sense the new skills building.
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The great awakening
The first skill you will build is self-awareness.
It sounds like a simple skill to possess, but it’s not as easy as you might think it is.
Having self-awareness is not only about being aware of your needs and boundaries.
It encompasses the skill of knowing how your actions affect others and also understanding how your attachment style works within a dynamic with a partner who has a different attachment style.
For example, if you get into a disagreement with your partner, you should be able to identify a few things.
- You will recognize that your emotional response is due to the characteristics of your attachment style rather than as personal as it feels to you.
- For every action, there is a reaction; you will understand that you or a partner is having a response to a trigger as a result of the other’s behavior.
- You have an instinct to have a reactionary response; when you are aware of it, you will develop techniques to avoid shutting down.
Becoming more self-aware will turn on a light in your brain. It becomes somewhat laughable when you have control over your responses. You will understand how much power you always had.
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Dispatcher
Next, you are going to become a great communicator.
One of the hardest things to do is speaking about emotions when you are not used to doing it or only have negative responses as a memory.
I have been in your position.
- Unlike someone with a secure attachment style, it can make you feel weak to be vulnerable. (dismissive-avoidant)
- You might feel scared and think expressing your emotions is asking too much of your partner to help you cure. (fearful-avoidant)
- It can feel like you have some many thoughts to work through that you get overwhelmed. (anxious preoccupied)
Once you have reins on your attachment style, you will communicate rather than talk.
What does that mean?
The problem is that, in the past, you couldn’t identify the need. When you spoke about issues, you could only think about the present and ignore how the past affects how you feel.
I have said this in the past, but when you communicate, remove the word you and the word I.
I feel ignored when you don’t answer my texts.
Turns into:
There is a feeling of being ignored when there isn’t a reply to a message.
Do you see how the weight of the emotion lifts off you and your partner? There is less need to address the blame and more focus on navigating the issue.
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Self-soothing
The best feeling you will have is the ability to self-soothe.
It is one of the rare powers you can possess.
People claim they can self-soothe and regulate their emotions, but many depend on someone else for validation.
- You will have the power to identify and process emotions.
- Then instead of laying the blame game, you will recognize that you can shut out a trigger and tackle an issue step by step.
- You will create a game plan for taking accountability.
- Understanding your feelings opens the door to clarity. They cause less frustration.
It is near impossible to write the feeling you will possess when you can work through an issue.
I am not saying that you will not have to work through the emotions caused by someone else’s behaviors, but when you can comprehend and understand those effects, you will become less triggered.
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Congratulations
I hope you understand the strengths you are building as you go through your journey to a secure attachment style.
It is hard to look at the end goal and not skip over what you accomplish in the process.
Wanting to work on your attachment style is a huge step.
People haven’t heard of attachment theory or begun the process and gained understanding and skills.
You are ahead of the game.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
 What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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