Would You Rather Be Right or Enjoy a Loving Relationship?

 

There are many ways to completely transform a relationship in a very short time. One such way is to simply drop wanting to be right in the relationship. As the desire to be right is noticed, owned, and released, a major source of conflict in the relationship melts away.

Here are 3 steps to let go of wanting to be right — right now.

Step 1 — Let yourself feel that it’s ok to want to be right

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be right. It is only natural. In fact, if you’d like to explore the fun beyond wanting to be right, a helpful first step is to truly let yourself want to be right as much as you do in the relationship.

Just have fun with it! Who says this has to be serious and difficult? The difficulty comes from wanting to change things and make it different from what it is. The approach here doesn’t require the desire to change anything (wanting to change something isn’t that same thing as actually seeing something change). Instead, by fully embracing something you begin to discover that it spontaneously changes all by itself. No effort required. No strain.

Just pure allowing and enjoyment of something just as it is. The beautiful thing is that there is no need to believe this. It is merely a matter of exploration and observation; the truth speaks for itself and needs no belief. So just enjoy exploring this step for yourself.

As you allow yourself to be ok with wanting to be right as much as you do, you’ll start becoming more aware of how that is impacting your relationship. It actually doesn’t feel very nice to want to be right. It’s a very limited and constricted feeling. Even when you are right, what then? A slight satisfaction that passes in a moments notice. Is that temporary ego inflation really worth it?

On the other hand, when we let go of wanting to be right, we can enjoy life no matter what. Whether we are correct or mistaken, it doesn’t change anything. There is simply the joy of living and sharing our life with someone. When we let go wanting to be right, we release a major constraint of deeper enjoyment of life. We discover that actually, the joy of just living and being alive is all that we need and far out-shines the petty satisfaction of being right. But first, let’s see how much we can enjoy wanting to be right. Just as an experiment, let’s have some fun with it.

Here are some questions that can support the embrace of wanting to be right and the release of judgement around it. When asking these questions, it’s not about the conceptual or intellectual answer the mind gives but rather, it’s a matter of feeling into what the question is pointing at. They are helpful prompts for deep relaxation and dissolving old patterns; wanting to be right and judgement of that are both just patterns — any pattern can be dissolved.

  1. Right now, can you simply notice the past is gone? This question helps us recognise that the way we have related to people is now just a memory. When we recognise this, we can feel-into the pure potential of this moment. All the possibility is felt and we see that we are already free. This one question can be asked from time to time throughout the day to loosen up any old patterns and help melt them.
  2. Could you welcome wanting to be right with open arms and free of judgement? Before letting something go, it is helpful to acknowledge it and welcome it.
  3. Could you have some fun with it? Allow yourself to notice the pattern of wanting to be right in the light of humour and enjoyment instead of rejection and guilt. It is much more helpful and fun to laugh and not take life too seriously. Just presume that you are already taking life too seriously and let yourself see the humour of that. Seeing the humour of a world of billions of people where each person secretly thinks they are the most important person there is. Each person having strong opinions about how the world should be without stopping to consider that maybe the world is perfect and could be understood first before conclusions about how it should be are made. It’s all quite a funny show. Seeing the humour of life in this way, is a very powerful way to dissolve the misery of seriousness.

 

Step 2 — Ask yourself “what for?”

If the desire to be right is rejected or attempted to be pushed away, there will only be inner conflict and that pattern will actually be strengthened. Instead, after you welcome the pattern it is helpful to open to it even more by enquiring deeper into the source of the pattern. Here is a fun way to do that. Find someone you trust and feel genuinely cares about you. Ask them if you could play a game together. Give them these prompts to ask you:

  1. “Has there been a time in the past where you wanted to be right?”
  2. “Could you let that be ok right now?”
  3. “Rembering it’s completely ok and all answers are welcome, was that coming from a place of fear or love?”
  4. “Does love want to be right?”
  5. “Does love judge that or judge you?”

 

Just have some fun with it and feel free to play around with that multiple times with that person. The more honestly and purely (unscripted) you allow yourself to answer, the more powerful this little game is. Of course, you can give the answers expected or that sound right, but that’s not as much fun. It takes courage to play this game with an open heart and open up with the person you are playing this with. All that courage is within you and as a helpful support you can ask yourself “could I choose courage now?” to immediately feel into your inner courage.

As you ask these questions of each other with sincerity and willingness, it opens up something within you both. It’s a way to recognise the nature of wanting to be right. A way to recognise all the fear we carry within us and also, the love beyond it. As soon as you notice that love, it melts the smallness of wanting to be right in the boundlessness of love. You are also most welcome to make up your own questions that support your exploration.

Another simpler line of questioning you can use is simply asking yourself “what for?” or having someone ask you “what for?” This is how that could look:

  1. Partner asks you “What is something you are afraid of?” and you answer as honestly and openly as you can.
  2. Then they ask you “What for?”
  3. Notice what comes up within you and answer as honestly as you can.
  4. Then they ask you “What for?” again.
  5. Repeat this until all verbal answers dissolve.

 

If you earnestly simply keep asking “what for?” you can unravel anything and see that underneath it all, there is actually nothing. Each of the fears or desires is based on some idea that something will be gotten that is missing right now. If you keep asking this line of questioning, you can discover that the fears and desires we think are so solid, are actually a lot more empty than we realise. The key in all of this is earnestness. It is not about thinking but rather, feeling into what resonates for you — even if it doesn’t make logical sense. Incredible discoveries await with this game.

Step 3 — Choose love above wanting

Does love want? When we want, we are coming from a place where we feel like we lack something. If we want to be right, deep down, we feel very unsure and insecure about ourselves and life. If we were totally happy and at peace with life, would we care at all about being right? Seeing this, we can have compassion for ourselves and the inner lack we feel.

Does it help us to judge the feeling of lack inside? It just leaves us feeling even more contricted and small. What’s the point of that? That doesn’t help us or anyone and eats away at our sense of alivness and connection with life.

What is helpful is to simply choose love. What does this mean? It means to value kindness, forgiveness, gentleness, and compassion above all else. It means that no matter what, we allow ourselves to be gentle and compassion towards ourselves and all of life. When we choose this, we start to become aware of all the areas in which we aren’t very loving to ourselves or others. This will bring up things like guilt, shame, and resentment of ourselves. Whatever it brings up within us, can be seen as merely something to embrace just as it is. Just something to love exactly as it is.

When we allow ourselves to love whatever we become aware of, it’s like we are melting everything in a warm hug of acceptance and love. Nothing can stand up to pure love. In this way, we can purify our hearts in love.

It is to be expected that this decision to align ourselves with love, brings up all the non-loving feelings inside to be embraced and melted in love. Whatever comes up, is something we haven’t yet fully loved just as it is. Sometimes this can feel hard and yet even that feeling, is just something else to embrace and love. The more we love, the more we discover that we can love.

Love is what feels best. Love is what is most beneficial to our relationships. Love is what is most supportive of our success. As our whole life becomes an embrace of love, everything non-loving melts and our life becomes a powerful uplifting expression of joy, aliveness, and good-will towards all.

Thanks for reading this — I hope you enjoyed it. If you’d like more writing like this you can sign up to my newsletter here.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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