Happy Father’s Day, Gentlemen! As the boys’ surrogate dad, I harbor no animosity toward you. Whatever the reason for your absence during your sons most important developmental years — he became a casualty in an adult issue battle. Therefore, it has become my responsibility to step up, Man Up, and take the reins before the window of opportunity to positively impact the boys trajectory closed.
Today, our boys are young adults! I vividly remember them in reindeer antler hats, in a sea of marching the elementary school winter festival performance — like it was yesterday. Last week, I chauffeured the youngest to prom and then a week later to commencement, graduating with honors; I proudly displayed the epitome of stoicism, while filled with an array of emotions.
Let’s straight talk
This letter does not support the disinformation that Black fathers suffer a pathology of neglect. Research says more Black fathers 2.5million live in the homes than the absent 1.7 million. Note: that 1.7 million is before subtracting the enormous number of responsible fathers living outside the house.
Also, I am not the biological, adoptive, or stepfather; I am the positive male, proclaimed and selected by your sons, who shall indefinitely serve as a positive father figure. Sometimes the role of mentor slowly and seamlessly evolves into the role of surrogate dad. Some mentees need more than an annual teen summit or monthly fireside chit chat. A surrogate dad becomes a mentor on speed dial, accessible daily — if needed, nearly daily in-person contact and establishes an amicable relationship with the legal guardian.
My role is to pay it forward so our sons can:
- formulate a road map to successfully navigate in a society that is less favorable toward Black males, and
- make better, well thought out, and informed decisions. In essence, it is all about communication, exposure, modeling, including maximizing quality time, and enforcing varied levels of consequences when necessary.
I am honored when your son asks me to attend back-to-school nights, parent teacher conferences, and school events. I notice the moms gazing, and his peers staring as he proudly parades me through the school hallways.
Got old school gangsta tendencies; I do drive buys
The school staff knew me well. I would roll up without warning or cause. I was the surrogate soccer dad on the contact, pick up, and emergency list. I get the teacher calls, register for school, attend the boys sporting games, performances, etc. Twice I sat in my son’s first period class awaiting his arrival to collect his cell phone, after what his teacher stated as “his repeat late arrivals”. Gave the teacher full consent to remove my cell phone that he possessed at any time necessary and for any duration. School was our extended family.
Psychologically dealing with a father’s absence
What do the boys share about you? On rare occasions, when they vaguely reference you in conversation, I reiterate my personal mantra about my absent father: “The life he lived and choices he made were his — not mine — and those results will NEVER negatively affect my psyche and outcomes.” Also, I share remembering seeing my estranged father only on four occasions, and the fourth was him stretched out in a coffin.
But from my earliest memory, dad’s void had been filled by a host of positive male role models: siblings, cousins, uncles, church folk, and others who had such a positive impact in my evolution toward becoming a responsible adult male.
Margaret Valbrun is correct: “The absence of engaged Black males has a more profoundly, negative impact on our children’s development than raggedy schools, racism, classism, sexism, and joblessness combined.”
Biological dads, you would be so proud of your sons; they have evolved from intelligent young scholars, getting older, growing taller, and quickly maturing into outstanding young adults today. I have exposed them through travel, variety and diversity; dished out continuous affirmations, and kept them informed. Most importantly, I always provided a safe environment for them to interact, explore, and learn amongst other positive young males. Our endless reciprocal teachable moments have now slowed, yet they continue to educate me on new technology, fads, and music trends.
Those forever memorable learned life lessons
Now that they are 18 and over, we laugh about some of my preachy, stern and unforgettable idioms:
- “Sex literate.” I instilled comprehensive sex education using numerous teachable moments, especially car rides listening to ‘their’ music. Upon entering middle school, they could identify the vulva and all its parts, plus much more. I wanted them to be the school’s resident experts instead of the standard schoolboy rite-of-passage: listening to Pookey and Ray Ray disinformation.
- “Rap it up!” They will forever remember me continuously steering them through the baby isle upon every store visit proclaiming, “Which is cheaper, Pampers and Similac or Condoms?” Their response, “We know, we know, we know!!!”
- “All actions have consequences; I do not do bail or make visits to jail or prison cells.” It always evoked laughter while infusing a valuable lesson.
- “Pay yourself first!” As a life-long frugalist, I have continuously implanted how to manage their money: pay yourself first, good investing, depreciation vs. appreciation, recognize azz-backwards consumerism, and reject the wealth trap illusion.
Finally, no idiom here, but they will never forget our driving lessons and the minor damages each caused to my car; nevertheless, after a new tire, a large dent, and some scrapes — they’re great drivers, now.
Turning the page
Moreover, as their young adulthood chapter unfolds, I realized that it is I who must turn the page, too. What does that look like? My new role is an adjunct, special advisor/consultant upon request. I have retired my preacher and teacher days to currently occasionally consulting. Too often, we males are reluctant to seek advice; thus, I simply say, “Son, may I offer my advice to you on that issue?” They gladly welcome my responses.
Unequivocally, they know I will be here for consultations, advice, and support. And that is what every boy evolving into manhood needs: that proven, consistent, reliable and trustworthy father figure who relieves a load of societal stress by tremendously helping him navigate life as a male either through constant reinforcing or simply consulting.
But like all parents — I still worry
For several years, it was a constant war counteracting peer pressure and what seemed like insurmountable environmental factors; however, I do know we are winning that battle. I am highly confident that they make sound decisions with minimal idiotic peer persuasion.
Also, in this current climate, it is all about safety. Often, I wish they had my experiences and opportunity during their high school years. As a military brat, I attended high school and graduated in Europe; over policing Black bodies and gun violence were far from my greatest worries.
However, with increasing juvenile violence and headlines of juveniles arrested for murder, I ask: Where is dad? Where are the male relatives? What did the men at his school ignore? Therefore, we men must continue to man up and save our sons! Using the GenZ vernacular, “honestly — for real, for real”, nobody is coming to save them but us.
The demand for mentors is great but the supply of adult men who Man Up is unimpressive. The requirement for this role is time and wisdom. You work a flexible schedule: weekdays, weekends, and on call with varied hours. There is no hourly rate or salary. It is guaranteed that your personal bank account will take a major hit. Nevertheless, the rewards and return on investment are infinite euphoria, soul satisfying, and greater than any monetary compensation.
Gentlemen, Man Up! Nobody is coming to save our sons but us!
—
Previously Published on Medium
—
iStock image
The post Happy Father’s Day to My Sons’ Biological Fathers appeared first on The Good Men Project.