7 Surprising, Essential Qualities Held By Men at the Top of Their Game

 

American boys have a tough time growing into manhood. With few coming-of-age rituals and a dizzying array of potential role models who demonstrate wide ranges of behavior, it is a challenge to figure out who to admire. Fathers, with challenges on their own journeys, at best form only part of the picture a young man needs. At worst they can be a negative influence or a hurtful critic, or painfully absent. In my teenage years, striving for elusive manhood, I began to pay attention to how men carried themselves and who seemed worthy of respect. My observations revealed a few surprises. There’s a lot of nuance to manhood.

1. PATIENCE
Examples: Nelson Mandela, Cesar Chavez

The prototype of the successful American man has been of a bold, loud, dominant figure, never allowing a slight to go unchecked or an opportunity for a profit to go unexplored. But with the vast majority of men ascribing to this projection of masculine power, the stage is crowded, the competition grows more desperate, and it’s hard to tell the players apart. And there are a lot of losers in this scenario.

Savvy men seemed to realize this and held back, observing and staying involved in quieter, more personal pursuits as the masses barked and thumped chests. It’s as if they were at an auction and while everyone else upped their bids and mortgaged their futures in their lust for an antique curiosity, the patient men decided to invest in metal- and woodwork machinery, secure shipping containers and high-quality restoration oil to service all the stressed-out auction winners and their expensive new toys. Mandela and Chavez, of course, faced governmental limits on their freedom, yet were able to wait out the powerful oppressors and became symbols of real strength and change.

2. SILENCE
Examples: Jimmy Carter, the Dalai Lama

Related to patience, the men at the top of their game had no problem letting the aggressive sales-types dominate the action in an effort to outdo their counterparts. While the combatants yelped and woofed and kept their eyes on the profits and the easy marks, the men I was seeing as role models were close by but usually outdoors in a grove of trees, maybe building houses or finishing up an article they were writing or talking to others about politics or raising daughters — masculine in their embrace of more enduring, less clichéd, quieter aspects of life.

In times of crisis, men at the top of their game observed carefully for the brief time they could, in their silence making no pronouncements or promises, but would swiftly spring into action to effect an essential change or head off a potential disaster. Often the noise-makers and self-styled experts would turn their heads in surprise to see the silent man reining in an explosive combatant or wielding a tool that stopped a horrific leak, carefully staying with the crisis until it was certain the danger had passed.

‘Once you take something on,’ one of the men told me when I was a teenager, ‘you can’t leave it early. Things can explode again pretty quick, so make sure you’ve got it all sealed off and stable before you hand it over.’ The noise-makers prematurely announce crisis averted, answer questions with the empty confidence of spokespeople trained in cliché and sound-bite, while silence is supreme in the boiler room, where the real men were getting real work done.

Jimmy Carter builds houses; the Dalai Lama lives in exile and writes out his pronouncements on notepads — their silence speaks volumes.

Photo by Toni Zaat on Unsplash

3. QUALITY
Examples: California’s Willie Brown and Jerry Brown

Quality can be obvious, like a Lamborghini, or basic, like a handcrafted log cabin, but the relationship between a man and the objects that make up his world is not haphazard — we all interact with the material world, and the men at the top of their game shape that relationship, knowing it reflects something deeper about them. It’s craftsmanship, aesthetics, priorities, economics, artisan appreciation, endowed objects, symbolism ………. it’s about thoughtful choice. Image is a part of substance, so men at the top of their game cultivate all of this and are aware of how they present in the world.

The two California Browns were opposite in aesthetic, but equal in their commitment to how quality informed their belief system. Kingpin of the state legislature and later SF City Hall, Willie Brown is a dapper GQ figure who sent home the poorly dressed, restored physical grandeur to SF’s dowdy City Hall, was a publicly extravagant bon vivant, lover of rich food and ostentatious displays of wealth and power, even as he favored policies for the poor and the decriminalization of drugs and sexual behavior. Ugly, decaying housing projects were demolished — in eight years the Willie Brown administration left its mark with an unmistakable royal touch. He was consistent in the expression of his version of quality throughout decades in power, and it drew people to him and allowed for his influence to be even more universal. The man has been style AND substance.

Jerry Brown, 4-term California Governor, was an ascetic, a rogue intellectual who had attended a Jesuit seminary, spent time in a Buddhist monastery, commissioned an unfinished abstract expressionist painting for his official portrait and rejected the trappings of power. In his first two terms (1974–1982) he slept on a mattress in a Sacramento apartment and drove a small sedan. His taste spanned stark minimalist Japanese elegance, and the disjointed post-modern movements in painting and literature. He redid the California Arts Commission and appointed bold, non-traditional practicing artists to the 9 seats under his control on the new Arts Council, changing the creative landscape in California permanently. While his version of quality was far different than Willie’s, they shared a commitment to their vision being manifested in their material surroundings.

Photo by Luís Eusébio on Unsplash

4. PROPORTION
Examples: Abe Lincoln, JFK, MLK

Here is where it begins to get a bit more complex and challenging. There are many situations in which men are tested, and where their character will be on display. But what situations do they choose to explore, what challenges to they take on, and what do they allow to pass by? Of the various strengths and aptitudes they carry, when do they apply them, to what extent, and how do they differentiate between the important and the merely distracting?

Putting all your eggs in one basket can be disastrous if you slip and fall; conversely, fear of this can keep you from placing any eggs anywhere, or if you do venture out, to walk with such trepidation that you never get anywhere. Every variation in the terrain looks dangerous, even fatal. And if you have strewn eggs all over the place simply to diversify, you may not have enough in any one place to make a decent omelet.

The overly careful only know to hold back and protect; they miss their opportunity for greatness out of fear and neurosis. Reckless risk-takers squander resources, can’t tell real promise from a glittery façade, and keep everyone in a high-stress state all the time.

The men at the top of their game seemed to have a sharp instinct for what belonged where, and how much of a certain quality or what level of commitment was right for a given circumstance. With maturity comes restraint; but as judgment becomes sharper, men at the top of their game also also know when to go for broke.

Lincoln knew keeping the country together was important, but not more important than eradicating slavery; he managed to do both as he applied the proportional amount of pressure and conducted a war that needed to be fought without obliterating the country he was trying to save. JFK knew to call Kruschev’s bluff in the missile crisis, and given that the Bay of Pigs fiasco was fresh in his memory and could have clouded his judgment, or made him hesitant, he demonstrated immense courage and clear-headedness in standing up to a man who was going to put America under a nuclear threat. In this case the correct proportion was 100% — no balancing act here, no subtle diplomacy, JFK went at this without wavering and the blockades and military preparation began without hesitation.

Of equal courage and intelligence but with circumstances requiring an approach of inclusiveness and spiritual harmony, MLK knew how to craft a message that could appeal to a wide variety of Americans, broadening his support and ultimately creating a legacy of deep significance to America that still resounds in our consciousness a half-century after his assassination.

Although not selected with this in mind, all three men held up as examples here were assassinated, their impact even more impressive given their shortened lives. They knew how to seize the issues of their time and to take bold action to effect grand transformations in slavery, the Cold War and race relations. The stages couldn’t be bigger nor the stakes higher, and these men were up to the task.

Proportion is the subtle balance of judgment, decisiveness, strength, timing and nuance that allows many different actions and choices to develop and thrive. It allows for delay, but knows when to act immediately; is aware when the cup is full, and senses, then pulls away, when neurosis or anxiety is driving a decision.

It’s the quality that puts the right amount of plant food in the water, knowing that too much is both harmful and wasteful, and too little leaves the plants dry and anemic; it is also aware that the solution needs strengthening some months, scaling back in others.

5. ALERTNESS
Examples: Gavin Newsom

Very little is on automatic.

All the qualities above could be mastered and things would seem to be on cruise control and then the truck in front of you on the freeway blows a tire and its load is suddenly imbalanced and sheets of glass are smashing into the blacktop and cruise control is no longer a viable option. Alertness is the quality that has a driver note there are sheets of glass strapped to the side of the truck and sees indications that blown tires have been a problem here recently, and the alert man puts on the lane change signal and slips effortlessly past the potential danger, no one knowing of the move that kept things flowing and drama to a minimum.

Alertness is also sensitivity to the clues that portend important developments in the future. ‘I wouldn’t put any effort into that,’ was suggested to me by a newly hired, watchful project manager who saw me trying to perfect a report on the progress of a technology plan that spanned a decade, ‘I’ve been listening to the VP for two weeks now and he never once mentioned anything beyond two years. He’s not reading these updates. He didn’t mention or quote anything from them.’ I had been hearing the same communications without drawing those conclusions; I was listening for other signs and wasn’t alert to the disinclination to invest time in the far-off future.

The group with whom I was familiar tended to listen for the same things: action items, shifting evaluation criteria, new buzz words. Alert to global tendencies after this, I became a thought leader and go-to advisor for projects that pushed the envelope: alertness unlocked creativity.

Gavin Newsom’s bold granting of marriage licenses to same-sex couples well ahead of the Supreme Court decision allowing such unions was considered too risky, a no-win political gamble in 2004 when he was the just-elected Mayor of San Francisco. But he was alert to a bigger wave about to sweep society, and said, ‘I don’t care what’s expedient. I’m going to do the right thing.’ And he did.

When the song tells us ‘A Change is Coming,’ it is not a random tumbleweed rolling along the prairie. There is someone behind that change, making a decision, pushing the agenda forward — often a man at the top of his game, alert to the promise of the future.

Photo by History in HD on Unsplash

6. AUTHENTICITY
Examples: Barack Obama, Malcolm X

Authenticity is a set of qualities coordinated within a defined, grounded personality structure. An authentic person has somehow aligned a range of attributes along an axis of their own creation, and convey to the world a settled air of control and purpose. In the absence of authenticity, leaders are seen as either self-serving or insecure, and both are trouble for their constituency.

Part of authenticity is the answer to the question: are they acting from the heart? Did Bill Clinton really feel our pain? Was Barack Obama sincere in his soaring rhetoric about the embodiment of the American dream, a post-racial vision that would make its way into policy and practice? In Ronald Reagan’s “Shining City on The Hill,” were we invited into one man’s achievable, authentic utopia, or would we pull a curtain and reveal The Wizard of Oz, frazzled and flawed and nowhere near the top of his game?

It is often said of the authentic man: he is comfortable in his own skin. This is more than relaxed body language; it is a manifestation of the quiet confidence of men whose values run deep, and they don’t force anything because they know they will act in accordance with a self-developed code of honor.

In the heat of the moment, the authentic man keeps hold of values and operates aligned with the mission. He acts in the interest of others even when his own ass is on the line. The authentic man is prepared for crisis, as if he’s rehearsed it in his soul. It’s not exactly a preparation: more like a deeply embedded trait that he worked to instill so that it was securely rooted when it needed to be called upon.

Malcolm X’s extraordinary power as a speaker came from brilliance in many facets of speech, both technical and inspirational, but it was the authenticity of his delivery, the sense that each word was coming from a profound internal place, that made his speeches transcendent. Barack Obama’s thoughtful phrasing, and the depth and resonance of his voice, were indications of a man in touch with his inner self, trying to communicate a truth, appealing to the same authentic place in each of us that he has found in himself.

Photo by Samantha Sophia on Unsplash

7. INDEPENDENCE
Examples: Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf, Bernie Sanders, Mitt Romney, Travis Kalanick

I’m way out on a limb here with these examples, I know.

There are the two sides of independence: the ability to stand alone when necessary, to avoid groupthink and represent what’s right even in the face of massive opposition; and the ability to work in interdependent environments where the man at the top of his game shapes his activity with the good of the whole in mind. In the millennial era, it has been my observation that we see little of the former and err heavily on the side of the latter — over-reacting to the macho man fallacy of prior generations, we have become a hesitant and process-embalmed cohort of interchangeable parts, with decisive and bold moves frowned upon and individuals with vision and originality often left to their own devices, eventually to collapse or fade, occasionally to self-destruct.

The old school war-general leader: sexist, narrow-minded, top-down and mythically infallible, might work in limited, specific environments (Patton, MacArthur in wartime), but clearly is not who today’s young men should follow in their coming-of-age journeys. General Norman Schwarzkopf of the 1991 Gulf War embodied a new kind of effective macho: with the personal charisma and tactical brilliance to inspire, the confidence and swagger to project might and purpose across continents, but also a sharp political and moral radar for the ravages of war on the home populace, Stormin’ Norman’s brand of manhood is seductive and effective and knows its limits— but unfortunately he would still be pushed out of most corporate environments by overly cautious Boards of Directors whose risk allotment would be used up in the first weeks of a Schwarzkopf regime.

Travis Kalanick may have been reckless, excessive, and clueless about millennial human relations, and he was eventually drummed out of Über for these deficits and worse, but what he accomplished was almost miraculous, and generations of independent contractors in all fields were launched by his obsessive refusal to accept the status quo. I realize that qualities I supported earlier — patience and silence— are completely contradicted in the person of Travis Kalanick, but he could be held up as an extreme example of understanding proportion — the over-the-top, in-your-face, ask-forgiveness-not-permission barrage was the right proportion for this particular effort; anything less and we never see Über or ride-sharing and independent contractors of this sort. So there’s room for the anti-hero in this paradigm; this is not all about moderation and committee chairman behavior.

Bernie Sanders, a unique thinker and brave theorist challenging centuries of economic orthodoxy and political behavior, is only on the big stage because a quirky state was willing to elect him and once in Washington he wouldn’t shut up; in most states Bernie is the annoying leader of an Occupy chapter, and clearly institutional or corporate work cultures would either reject or marginalize him; even his admirers don’t want to eat lunch with him. His party affiliation, rightfully, is listed as Independent.

Mitt Romney merits mention here because he bucked Republican groupthink and in strong terms denounced a tyrannical President, a demonic puppeteer who lay waste to critics and disobedient Party members.

The profile struck by independent men includes defiant one-time moralists, lifelong iconoclasts and contrarians, reasoned moderates who have their line crossed and refuse to endorse the status quo, geniuses we can’t ignore, and the men I admired growing up, who stopped cruelty and atrocity by saying: Dudes, c’mon, cut this shit out, you’re behaving like idiots or Back off that woman, I ain’t taking part in slut-shaming — putting a stop to that ugly practice, which opens up the whole subject of the relationship between the genders in millennial America — the independent man runs counter to the norm, and calls out the power plays and the inequities perpetrated by others, be it gender-, race-, or ability-based, or any other imbalanced set of circumstances.

To the man at the top of his game, women are equals, the non-binary are equals. A heterosexual man might comment on some aspect of a woman’s appearance; he will also note men’s appearance, unafraid of his natural reactions to the way people look. But he will not attribute any behavior or action as ‘coming from a woman’ or ‘that’s the way they do it’ in reference to an ethnic group, and will call out others if they drift into that kind of stereotyping. That independence is not easily acquired; the group tries so hard to pull you into their biased insider bonding; the independent one on these topics is often considered humorless, too righteous, not a team player.

At the age of 14, peering with great intensity into the corridors of adult behavior and its pressurized interactions, I knew who had courage and integrity and who was a puppet or a self-serving schemer. What I didn’t know was how hard it would be, in a world of twisted politics and competitive mini-wars when it was my turn to occupy those corridors, to rise above all of that and summon my best angels and be a man who could walk through this world with dignity and purpose and who fought for other people’s dignity and purpose. It was a fight that needed to be fought every day: a fight that a man at the top of his game must take on.

SUMMARY: MASCULINITY IN THE WORLD

And it all comes down to this.

Intelligence, independence, courage, physical presence, ability, vulnerability, macho posturing, sensitivity, charisma, risk-aversion, ethics, virtue, stoicism, authenticity……….. any and all of these qualities and more can be present, absent, in combination, dormant, emerging —to create that entity we call a man, along the spectrum of manhood that includes aspects of femininity, or doesn’t, as in the case of John Wayne, the far extreme of the old masculinity: rugged, unflappable, a jaw cut from granite. Sure, that’s in the picture, but it’s not enough.

Denzel Washington carries that depth and complexity I would look for as a teenager in a man — showing vulnerability in certain roles, tenderness, weakness, a casual handsomeness, comfortable in his own skin …….as was Harvey Milk, a pioneer, courageous, visionary, synchronized with a cause bigger than himself, a leader who grew into greatness.

Manny Pacquiao was a Filipino street urchin, surviving on scraps of food, who became a professional boxer at age 16, a skinny kid eventually conquering eight weight divisions, a humble and ferocious fighter who respected his opponents, never dodged a champion, and with his millions of dollars went back to the Philippines and built houses, youth centers, churches, gyms, was elected to the Senate — the complete man, with a life story that rivals any in modern times. He should not be disqualified from the pantheon of manhood because of his ignorant statements a few years back regarding homosexuality; he was an uneducated street urchin, after all, and has since been schooled in principles of equity.

Jay Gatsby is the fictional character obsessed with a woman he once loved who has a whole life without him that he can’t accept, so with his riches he buys a mansion near her and throws lavish parties that she will attend — he’s desperate, he’s obsessed, he’s used to getting what he wants — but he’s pure, he loves her, he wears his heart on his sleeve, and in his extreme emotional state brings about tragic events, but this too is a man. “You’re worth the whole damn bunch put together,” Nick Carraway, the narrator, tells Gatsby near the end, because Gatsby was unfiltered, without artifice in a world of duplicity and halfway measures. He would live and die for one thing. In his quest he was noble, and destined for a bad end — an American tragic hero. Coalhouse Walker, the black protagonist of Ragtime, is connected to this kind of purity: the world is not kind to it, but a man must follow his own road.

In the person of Rick Blaine, the white café owner in Casablanca played by Humphrey Bogart, we have the full embodiment of the qualities of manhood that include and go beyond the macho stoicism of John Wayne, the near-deranged obsession of Jay Gatsby — we see the selflessness of Manny Pacquiao, the bravery of Harvey Milk, Denzel Washington’s man of the world — Rick lost Ilsa, the love of his life, years back and lives with the pain as he rides out WWII on the fringes of the action in Morocco. Ilsa shows up with her husband, an officer on the run from the Nazis, and Rick eventually helps them escape and loses Ilsa again. He helps them because the cause is bigger than him, because he’s man enough to make the sacrifice, and while he’s trying to be noble and stoic, Rick doesn’t hide the pain, and in the end he does the right thing, and that’s a man’s reward.

Most men are not going to get a chance to be Rick Blaine and test their character against the forces of war and sacrifices of that magnitude. The quiet heroism of daily life will have to do for the rest of us, and these seven qualities are able to create a picture of manhood that should capture and appeal to some of the old school machismo, the new school sensitivity, and defining that special spark that makes it all work and gives youth a vision for their personal futures.

This post was previously published on medium.com.

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