Getting old isn’t much fun. Yeah, sure, you get somewhat wiser, more composed, and even might have an idea what to do with your life. But, on the other hand, there are pains and aches from having slept in an awkward position, there’s the handful of vitamins to be swallowed each morning, and there’s the graying hair and sagging skin. But, as the elders in my country say - the grayer the hair, the more mischief. To put it shortly, every single one of us is getting old, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Except, of course, laugh! And what’s a better way to prepare yourself for the upcoming woes of aging than a list full of old people jokes. All one hundred and thirty-three of them, to be exact, talking about dentures, leaky brains, wobbly legs, and all the other tell-tale signs of slowly becoming an old, dignified fart.
Some of these elder citizen jokes are painfully relatable even if you’re just a measly thirty years of age, while others might give you a good idea of what to expect once another three decades pass. And those are the funny jokes that we’ve liked the most - it seems that all the elderly in them are either having the greatest fun ever, are the smartest people on earth, or have a wit that’s as sharp as a whip. So, you know, it might be something actually to look forward to. Not convinced? Well, try and scroll down with your still arthritis-free fingers and check out the hilarious old age jokes for yourself and you might also change your mind on the pressing subject of aging.
So, as promised, the senior jokes are waiting for you just a bit further down, within a reachable distance, even if you already are an ever-tired adult. Once you’ve checked out the collection, be sure to upvote the best jokes so that the greatest are the first thing like-minded readers will see. Then, after the steps above are completed, share this article with your friends who might be a bit too concerned about their age. After all, becoming old is only natural and inevitable!
#1“Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
#2"To my friend's astonishment, a police car pulled up to her house and her elderly grand-father got out. The patrolman explained that the old gentleman had been lost in the city park and had asked for help.
"Why, Grandfather," my friend said, "you've been going there for 40 years. How could you get lost?"
The old man smiled slyly. "Wasn't exactly lost," he admitted. "I just got tired of walking."
#3Bob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding they pass a drugstore. Bob suggests they go in.
Bob asks to speak to the pharmacist. He explains they're about to get married, and asks,
"Do you sell heart medication?"
"Of course we do," the pharmacist replies.
"Medicine for rheumatism?"
"Definitely," he says.
"How about Viagra?"
"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
"Yes, the works."
"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?"
"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
"All speeds and sizes."
"Good," Bob says to the pharmacist. "We'd like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."
#4An elderly couple is invited to eat dinner at another couple's home.
After dinner, the two women go into the kitchen and the two men remain at the table catching up. One of them, Frank, gushes over a restaurant he had taken wife to the previous weekend to celebrate their 60th anniversary.
“You have to take your wife there, the service is excellent, the food was delicious, it was honestly the best restaurant experience I’ve ever had.”
His friend, impressed, asks him what the name of the restaurant is.
Frank replies “Um… Ugh… I can’t remember.” After thinking about it for a couple of minutes he says, “Hey, wait, what’s the name of that, that flower?"
"No, no, no, the... the red one, you know, with... with thorns.”
“Aha! Yes! Thank you!”
“Rose?” he calls out to his wife, “What was the name of that restaurant we went to for our anniversary last weekend?"
#5"One of the shortest wills ever written: "Being of sound mind, I spent all the money." —Arthur Bland
#6Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. “Yes,” says Sally, “A lock of my husband’s hair.” “But Larry’s still alive.” “I know, but his hair is gone.”
#7"Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," he told the maitre d'. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately."
#8"She's only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. Through it all, she and her husband, Mark, have kept their sense of humor. One day she said, "You know what kills me ... ?" Smiling, Mark teased, "Apparently nothing."
#9John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit. There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them. When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am, and thank you for the peanuts." Grandma says, "You’re welcome. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."
#10"Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed the bag boy eyeing my two adopted children. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Those your kids?"
"They sure are," I said with pride.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
#11An old man is driving when he gets a frantic call from his wife: “Bernard, please be careful, I just heard on the news that there is a crazy driver on Route 80 driving the wrong way!”
Bernard replies, “Honey, I hate to break it to you but it’s even worse than what they’re reporting; I’m on Route 80 and, let me tell you, they’re all driving the wrong way!”
#12A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.” “Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested. The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!” “What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend. “I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”
#13"My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old's shoes. That's when I noticed my son, Ben, staring at my husband's head.
He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a concerned voice, "Daddy, you have a hole in your head. Does it hurt?"
After a pause, I heard my husband's murmured reply: "Not physically."
#14"After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone. “I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?” “Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”
#15"The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back in. "Cool, Grandma!" he said "Now take off your arm."
#16"For her 40th birthday, my wife said, "I'd love to be ten again." So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Then we hit the playground and a merry-go-round. We finished the day with a banana split.
"So how did you enjoy being a kid for a day?" I asked.
"Great," she said. "But when I said I wanted to be ten again, I meant my dress size."
#17"My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. "You know," he said to our grandson, Nick, "it's not easy getting old. I guess I'm in the fourth quarter now."
"Don't worry, Grandpa," Nick said cheerily. "Maybe you'll go into overtime."
#18"The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up. "How old are you?" a tenant asked. "I’m 81 years old," he answered. The tenant shook her head. "They sure grow up fast, don’t they?" — Thomas Clements
#19"In the hardware store, a clerk asked, "Can I help you find anything?" "How about my misspent youth," joked my husband. The clerk shot back, "We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets." — Leslie McRobie, Lee
#20"I had been thinking about coloring my hair. One day while going through a magazine, I came across an ad for a hair-coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair a shade that I liked. Wanting a second opinion, I asked my husband,"How do you think this color would look on a face with a few wrinkles?"
He looked at the picture, crumpled it up, straightened it out and studied it again. "Just great, hon."
#21"Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk's office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said.
"But I filled them out last year," she replied.
"You have to fill them out every year."
"Why? Do you think I'm getting younger?"
#22"One of my fourth graders asked my teacher's assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. Glass?"
"You should never ask an adult's age," I broke in.
"That's okay," Harriett said smiling. "I'm fifty."
"Wow, you don't look that old," the boy said. I was breathing a sigh of relief when another child chimed in, "Parts of her do."
#23"When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing, my husband, Glenn, and his partner—both EMTs—rushed to her home. Glenn placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen. Then he began to gather her information. "What's your age?" he asked.
"Fifty-eight," answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger. "What does that do?"
"It's a lie detector," said Glenn with a straight face. "Now, what did you say your age was?"
"Sixty-seven," answered the woman sheepishly.
#24An old man notices that his wife is having trouble hearing. He tries telling her to go for a hearing test, but she won’t hear of it. He decides to prove to her there’s something wrong with her hearing. He goes upstairs, takes out a recorder, turns it on and, knowing she is in the kitchen, yells downstairs, “Honey, what’s for supper?” No answer. He goes downstairs and yells “Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no answer. He enters the living room and yells again “Honey, what’s for supper?” No answer. He even stands right outside the kitchen and yells “What's for supper?” and still, no answer. Finally, he stands right behind her and asks “Honey. What's. For. Supper?!” and she turns around and says “Damnit Al, for the hundredth time, CHICKEN!!!”
#25"Scene: with a patient in my medical exam room
Me: How old are your kids?
Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13.
Me: That’s quite the age difference!
Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I made my own." —Mria Murillo
#26Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
#27"We'd finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. "I'm afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel," he said.
My middle-aged wife put him at ease. "Don't worry," she said. "They'll only look once."
#28"I had just had my 50th birthday and found the decade marker traumatic. When I went to get my driver's license renewed, a matter-of-fact woman typed out the information, tested my vision, snapped the camera, and handed me a laminated card with my picture on it.
"You mean I have to look at this for the next four years?" I jokingly said to her.
"Don't worry about it," she replied. "In four years it'll look good to you."
#29"While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It’s taped under the modem,” I told him. After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?” — Sharon McGinley
#30"Rock concerts are a little different now than when I was younger. Recently, I went to a concert with some friends. As the band started to play a ballad, we instinctively raised our cigarette lighters, like all good rock fans I grew up with. But looking around me, I noticed that times had indeed changed.
The mostly under-25 crowd was swaying to the upraised glow of their cell phones."
#31"For my grandmother's 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement printed in the local paper. "That was a nice shot," I commented.
"It's my passport picture," she revealed.
"Really?" I stared in amazement at my homebody grandma. "Where did you go?"
"Walgreens," she replied. "
#32"An elderly shopper at our supermarket used a check to buy such items as cotton balls, cotton swabs, powder, and cold cream. On the memo line, she'd written, "Repairs."
#33"In January, my wife, a physician, met with an elderly patient. "So was Santa good to you?" she asked.
"Real good," he said. "I got an SUV."
"Yeah … socks, underwear, and Viagra."
#34"Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks. At a party, an old friend exclaimed, "Edith, you haven't changed in 20 years."
"Oh," said Mom, horrified. "I hope I didn't look like this 20 years ago."
#35"While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. "You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond," he assured them. Dad wasn’t sold: "Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it."
#36"Visiting his parents' retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. After a while, Tim's father returned from his walk and called out, "I'm ready to leave."
Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling. Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You're a kid?"
#37"A few years ago, I opened the invitation to my cousin's 100th birthday party. On the front—in bold letters—it screamed, "If he's heard it once, he's heard it a hundred times. Happy Birthday, Sam!"
#38"Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. "In ten years," I said, "you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now."
Carolyn shrugged. "In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway."
#39"Now that I'm over 40, younger teammates have begun to tease me about my declining abilities as a softball player. During one game, I was playing third base when a batter ripped a shot over my head. I leapt as high as I could, but the ball tipped off the end of my glove and fell safely for a hit.
At the end of the inning, I was heading for the dugout when our left fielder caught up with me. "That much!" he called, holding his thumb and forefinger a couple of inches apart.
"I know," I replied. "I almost had it."
"No," he said. "I mean that's how far you got off the ground."
#40"I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but the customer-service rep told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request. The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her. Then a solution hit me: "If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?" "Well, yes," she said reluctantly. "But that would ruin his credit." —Jeannie Gibbs
#41"As the hostess at the casino buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my husband, who would be joining me momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly...” She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.” — Rosalie Daria
#42"My grandfather has a knack for looking on the bright side of life. Even after receiving the terrible diagnosis that he had Alzheimer's, he was philosophical.
"There's one good thing that'll come from this," he told my father.
"What's that?" asked Dad.
"Now I can hide my own Easter eggs."
#43"During the last days of my mother's life, we discussed many things. One day I raised the topic of her funeral and memorial service.
"Oh, honey," she responded, "I really don't care about the details."
Later she woke from a nap and grasped my hand, clearly wanting to share something with me. As I leaned forward, she said urgently, "Just don't bury me in plaid."
#44"The summer after college graduation, I was living at home, fishing in the daytime, spending nights with my friends—generally just hanging out. One afternoon my grandfather, who never went to college, stopped by.
Concerned with how I was spending my time, he asked about my future plans. I told him I was in no hurry to tie myself down to a career.
"Well," he replied, "you better start thinking about it. You'll be thirty before you know it."
"But I'm closer to twenty than to thirty," I protested. "I won't be thirty for eight more years."
"I see," he said, smiling. "And when will you be twenty again?"
#45"On the phone with my 93-year-old brother in Wisconsin, and I told him I thought it was time he paid someone to shovel snow for him. He suddenly grew indignant. "Why should I pay someone to shovel?" he demanded. "I can get my son to do it. He’s only 70!" —David Groeschel
#46Two old guys, Fred and Sam went to the movies. A few minutes after it started, Fred heard Sam rustling around and he seemed to be searching on the floor under his seat. "What are you doing?" asked Fred. Sam, a little grumpy by this time, replied "I had a caramel in my mouth and it dropped out. I can't find it." Fred told him to forget it because it would be too dirty by now. "But I've got to", said Sam, "my teeth are in it!"
#47"My 45-year-old sister was attending the wedding of a childhood friend when she ran into people she hadn't seen in years. How long exactly? One of them shouted, "Kathy, you got your braces off!"
#48"One of the English classes I taught at Deltona high school in Florida consisted of a particularly well-motivated group of juniors. Students felt free to ask questions on any subject that concerned them.
One afternoon a girl raised her hand and asked me to explain all the talk about a woman's "biological clock." After I'd finished, there was a moment of silence, and then another hand shot up.
"Mrs. Woodard," a student asked, "is your clock still ticking, or has the alarm gone off?"
#49"Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see they were of a younger, slimmer me taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photographs, his face lit up. "Wow! It's my old Plymouth."
#50"After a shopping expedition, my friend Gina and I stopped in a local bar for a drink. We hadn't been seated long when she leaned over and said that four young men at the next table were watching us. Since we're both thirty-something, married with children, we found the situation flattering. We sat a little straighter and tried to look slimmer and younger.
In a few minutes, one of the men got up and came toward our table." "Excuse me," he said. Then he reached over our heads to turn up the volume on the televised ball game."
#51"Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class.
"Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said.
"Yeah, but look at it from my point of view," he said optimistically. "I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over."
#52"While my friend Emily was visiting her mother, they went for a walk and bumped into an old family acquaintance. "Is this your daughter?" the woman asked. "Oh, I remember her when she was this high. How old is she now?"
Without pausing, Emily's mother said, "Twenty-four." Emily, 35, nearly fainted on the spot.
After everyone had said their good-byes, Emily asked her mother why she'd told such a whopper.
"Well," she replied, "I've been lying about my age for so long, it suddenly dawned on me that I'd have to start lying about yours too."
#53Two old women in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, "How do you really feel? I mean, you’re 60 years old, how do you honestly feel?" "Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I’ve got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself."
#54"When my 85-year-old father was in the hospital, his doctor, trying to determine Dad’s mental state, asked, "What gets you up in the morning?" My father shrugged. "Probably the same thing as everyone. I have to go to the bathroom."
#55An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. "You've got to be kidding," he said. "I'm almost 60 years old." The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license. The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me," he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks," he said. "Works every time."
#56Police in Tampa, Florida, raided and shut down a weekly $4-a-round mah-jongg game played by four elderly women. The Week asked its readers for titles of crime movies that could be made about this bust: Golden Girls, Interrupted The Lavender Hair Mob, Indicting Miss Daisy, No Country for Old Women, The Social Security Network.
#57"Retirement is the best thing that has happened to my brother-in-law.
"I never know what day of the week it is," he gloated. "All I know is, the day the big paper comes, I have to dress up and go to church."
#58"My nine-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting ready for work. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered.
"Oh," she said, walking away. "I thought they were natural."
#59"My grandfather was sipping a beer when he confessed to me he'd drunk more than usual the day before. "What's more than usual?" I asked.
"You can drink a case in a day?!"
"Well," he grumbled defensively, "it doesn't take all day."
#60"The insurance agency I work for draws business from a retirement community. Once, when applying for auto insurance for a client, I asked him "How many miles he drives in a year?" He said "he didn't know."
"Well, do you drive 10,000 miles a year?" I asked, "or 5,000?"
He said the numbers sounded high. "What month is this?" he asked. "July" I told him.
"Maybe this will help," he said. "I filled the car with gas in February."
#61"Fans of '60s music, my 14-year-old daughter and her best friend got front-row tickets to a Peter, Paul and Mary concert. When they returned home, my daughter said, "During the show, we looked back and saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At first we thought the people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we realized that the lights were the reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience."
#62"I had laryngitis and finally decided to go to the doctor. After the nurse called for me, she asked my age. "Forty-nine," I whispered.
"Don't worry," she whispered back. "I won't tell anyone."
#63"Jim, my 40-something husband, was playing basketball with friends his age. "Pretty soon," said one of his teammates, "we'll have to count it as a basket if the ball just hits the rim."
"Yeah," Jim agreed. "It's scary when you have to look through the bottom part of your bifocals to shoot layups and the top part on jump shots."
#64"My husband and I, married 13 years, were dressing for a party. I'd spent all day getting a haircut and permanent, then as we were leaving, we met in the hall and he said nothing. I complained that he had not even noticed my hair. "You used to pay attention to every little thing, and now you don't notice anything! You take me for granted!"
My husband stood there rubbing his face as he let me rant and rave. Then it hit me: he'd shaved off his six-month-old beard."
#65The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office having his hearing checked. The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!”
“Rats,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid went.”
#66How are stars like false teeth?
They both come out at night!
#67"While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated.
"Excuse me," I said, approaching a clerk. "I'm looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white shoes."
Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, "Take your pick."
#68"Everything's starting to click for me!" said my father-in-law at dinner. "My knees, my elbows, my neck … "
#69"I've always been a disappointment. When I was five, I looked down at the crayons I was coloring with and sighed—when I was two, this is not what I saw myself doing at five."
#70"I was feeling pretty creaky after hearing the TV reporter say, "To contact me, go to my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter, or try me the old-fashioned way - e-mail."
#71"The biggest loser at my weight-loss club was an elderly woman. "How'd you do it?" we asked. "Easy," she said. "Every night I take my teeth out at six o'clock."
#72"Her class assignment was to interview an "old person" about his life, so my niece asked me, "What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?
"I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied.
She looked disappointed. "That dance was so important to you?"
#73An IBM exhibit in New York City portrayed the advancement in technology of statistical and calculating machines from the abacus to the computer. After completing the tour, I stopped at the reception desk to ask a question. There, a distinguished elderly gentleman was keeping track of the number of visitors in the old tried-and-true method of drawing IIII IIII on a sheet of paper.
#74"An attorney I know once drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death. When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his office.
"Now," he said to them, "Which one of you wants to go first?"
#75“Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there nothing comes out.”
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
#76"My husband can't activate our Amazon Echo, because he keeps forgetting its name, Alexa. "Just think of the car Lexus and add an a at either end," I suggested. The next time he wanted to use our new toy, he looked a bit puzzled. Then he remembered what I’d said and confidently called out, "Acura!" —Linda Price
#77"When the new activities director for the rec center walked in, all us retirees quickly took notice. She was 20-something, statuesque, and gorgeous. My buddy whispered, “She makes me wish I was 30 years older.” “Don’t you mean 30 years younger?” I asked. “No. If I were 30 years younger, I’d still never have a chance with a woman like that. If I were 30 years older, it wouldn’t bother me so much.”
#78"The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony. "You know you’re past your prime," she said, "when you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage chair."
#79"At age 70, my grandfather bought his first riding lawnmower. "This thing is great," he bragged to my brother. "It took me only an hour and a half to mow the lawn. It used to take your grandmother two days to do it all!"
#80"Our favorite museum in town displays quilts from around the country. When I visited recently, I asked the woman at the front desk about a senior discount. It wasn't to be.
"Sir," she said, "this is a quilt museum. We give discounts to teenagers."
#81"I have no respect for gangs today. They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance with each other first."
#82"How was your blind date?"
"Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls-Royce."
"What's so terrible about that?"
"He was the original owner."
#83"I'm bald--well, balding. I like to say "balding" because it sounds more productive. And I don't like to say I'm losing my hair, because that makes it sound like had I been more responsible, this wouldn't have happened. "Where's your hair?" "I lost it. You know me. Where are my keys?"
#84"I was having lunch with my daughter Rachel, who's three, at our local mall and was feeling particularly macho for a 46-year-old. All morning, women had been smiling at me and giving me the eye.
Getting up to leave the table, I ran my fingers through my hair—and discovered two yellow-ducky barrettes that had been lovingly placed there hours before."
#85"My 60-year-old mother-in-law, completing two years of wearing orthodontic braces, was in the office having them adjusted. As she sat in one of the waiting- room chairs, the teenager next to her looked at my mother-in-law in astonishment. "Wow," he said. "How long have you been coming here?"
#86"For years my sister's husband tried unsuccessfully to persuade her to get a hearing aid. "How much do they cost?" she asked one day after he had pitched the idea to her again.
"They're usually about $3,000," he said.
"Okay, well, if you say something worth $3,000," she replied, "I'll get one."
#87"When a woman I know turned 99 years old, I went to her birthday party and took some photos. A few days later, I brought the whole batch of prints to her so she could choose her favorite.
"Good Lord," she said as she was flipping through them, "I look like I'm a hundred."
#88"My brother and his wife started their family in their early 40s. One day my sister-in-law and I were commiserating about the effects of time marching on.
"I just got my first pair of glasses," she said, and paused as her two preschool boys thundered past her. "Now, if only my hearing would go."
#89"I was having lunch with several thirty-something friends when talk turned to the dismal prospect of our growing older.
"Well, judging by my mother," I said, "at least my hearing will improve. My mother can hear my biological clock ticking from 200 miles away."
#90"After working for months to get in shape, my 42-year-old husband and I hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. At the end of two grueling days, we made it back to the canyon's rim. To celebrate, we each bought an "I hiked the canyon" T-shirt.
About a month later, while my husband was wearing his shirt, a young man approached him. "Did you really hike the canyon?" he asked.
My husband beamed with pride and answered, "Sure did!"
"No kidding!" the fellow said. "What year?"
#91Ethel was an elderly lady who had never married, and was the organist at her local church. She was well known and many people looked to her for counsel. Her church had just gotten a new, young pastor in the last few months, so he would visit occasionally to chat with her and seek her wisdom. One day, he stops by and she invites him into the parlor room. There she tells him to make himself at home while she fetches some tea and snacks. The young pastor then notices an unopened condom sitting in a bowl of water on top of her home organ. He decides to ignore it and she returns with snacks and they begin chatting. A few minutes later he decides to give in to his curiosity and ask her about the condom.
Ethel: "Oh! that is a marvelous thing I found while strolling through the park awhile back. Isn't it lovely?"
Pastor: "Do you know what that is for?"
Ethel: "Well it has been helping me prevent disease! And it has done a wonderful job!"
The pastor is taken aback, and Ethel begins to explain to him: "The directions say to put it on the organ and keep it wet to prevent the spread of disease. Wouldn't you know I've been well all winter!"
#92"Feeling down about my thinning hair," I told a friend, “Soon I’ll never need to go back to the beauty salon. Whenever I vacuum, all I pick up is my hair. A glass-half-full kind of gal," she responded, “Well, then you won’t need to vacuum either." —Agnes Scharenbroch
#93“This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. “Do you think I look like them?” He shook his head. “Not yet.”
#94This farmers wife prayed to the Lord and asked him, "How old will I be when I die?" His reply was 96 years old. She said, "Hot diggity dog, I will have myself fixed up." She had everything lifted and tucked and was in the doctor's office, making the last payment on her reconstruction. She walked out of the doctor's office, started across the street, and was hit and killed. She gets to heaven and asks the Lord, "What happened? You told me that I would live to be 96." His reply: "We'll I just didn't recognize you!"
#95"What’s a hipster?" asked my four-year-old cousin. “Someone who will wear something just to look different,” I said. “They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.” “Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked." — Eyesha Sadiq
#96"Recently I sat in a restaurant watching two older men go at it. It quickly grew heated as one of them declared, "I'm so mad, I'm taking you off my pallbearer list!"
#97"My sister and I decided to reframe a favorite photograph of our mother and father from when they were dating, some 60 years ago. After removing the picture from the frame, I turned it over, hoping to find a date. I didn't. Instead, my mother had written, "128 lbs."
#98"A nurse friend of mine took a 104-year-old patient for a walk in the hospital corridor. When she got him back to his room and sat him down, he took a deep breath and announced, "That was great! I don't feel a day over 100!"
#99"After booking my 90-year-old mother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her needs. The woman representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision. I also asked for a special meal and assistance in changing planes.
My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.
"Why, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your mother be needing a rental car?"
#100"My diminutive aunt Flora, just four feet, nine inches tall, accepted an offer to visit a health club for a free session. After being greeted heartily, she was shown where she could change and told an instructor would soon be with her.
Having changed her clothes, Aunt Flora went back to the exercise area. Along one wall she noticed a silver bar that was not in use, and decided to try her hand at chin-ups while she waited. She jumped up, barely reaching the bar, and managed to strain through two chin-ups before the instructor came to her side.
Smiling politely, the instructor said, "If you want to let go of the coat rack and follow me, I'll be glad to help you get started."
#101"One day at the office of the orthopedic specialist I work for, we had to make arrangements for an elderly patient with spinal arthritis to have a special injection. We said we would phone him with the information.
Two days later, the patient called us, concerned that he had missed our call because of his poor hearing. "I can barely hear, barely see and barely walk," he told me.
Then he added cheerfully, "Things could be worse, though. At least I can still drive."
#102"I was having trouble with the idea of turning thirty and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead.
"Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband.
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
#103"Turning 50 two years ago, I took a lot of good-natured ribbing from family and friends. So as my wife's 50th birthday approached, I decided to get in some needling of my own. I sat her down, looked deep into her eyes, then said I had never made love to anyone who was over 50 years old.
"Oh, well, I have," she deadpanned. "It's not that great."
#104"My 20th high-school class reunion was held at a hotel on the same night that another school's tenth-year reunion was taking place. While my friends and I were in the rest room talking, some unfamiliar women entered.
After their stares became uncomfortable, we turned toward them. One of the women said, "Don't mind us. We just wanted to see how we'd look in another ten years."
#105"At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
#106"To celebrate his 40th birthday, my boss, who is battling middle-age spread, bought a new convertible sports car. As a finishing touch, he put on a vanity plate with the inscription "18 Again." The wind was let out of his sails, however, when a salesman entered our office the following week.
"Hey," he called out, "who owns the car with the plate 'I ate again'?"
#107An elderly couple in great shape unfortunately get into a car accident and die. They were 90 years old. Upon arriving to heaven they are shown around. They’re told they will be living in a beautiful home all with the latest amenities, including a fully stocked fridge. They open the fridge and see amazing food. The wife asks worriedly, “Isn’t this food unhealthy?!” They’re told not to worry, in heaven it doesn't matter what they eat, they’re already dead, they’ll be perfectly fine. Upon hearing this, to the wife’s surprise, her husband stalks off angrily. “What wrong?” she asks. “I’LL TELL YOU WHAT’S WRONG! If it weren't for you and your stupid bran muffins, I could have been here years ago!”
#108"My grandfather and his best friend, Brook, both had dark senses of humour. Sadly, Brook committed suicide in 2001 by jumping from the window of his 3rd-floor hotel room. At the wake, my grandfather poured everyone a glass of scotch – his best friend’s favourite drink – and asked that we listen while he said a few solemn words in Brook’s memory. My grandfather raised his glass and said, “Brook was never a man of convention, but in this instance, I wish he had of used the stairs. Cheers.”
#109"The other day I got carded at the liquor store. While I was taking out my ID, my old Blockbuster card fell out. The clerk shook his head, said, “Never mind,” and rang me up." —Andrea Price
#110"After my 91-year-old mother finished having her hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, “There, now you look ten years younger.” My mother, unimpressed, replied, “Who wants to look 81 years old?”
#111"When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, "How long was I in there for?" — Joanne Korman
#112"When I was in high school, I wore Birkenstocks. Or as I call them now, the '90s version of a purity ring."
#113"I knew that my husband's hearing had deteriorated after our friend—new to the city— asked where he could meet some singles. "Well," said my husband, " I see them in the Kmart parking lot diving for fries."
"Dear," I intervened. "Singles, not seagulls."
#114"Just before Easter I remarked to my husband that, with the children grown and away from home, this was the first year that we hadn't dyed eggs and had an Easter-egg hunt. "That's all right, honey," he said. "We can just hide each other's vitamin pills."
#115"We invited some old friends to help celebrate my 40th birthday. My husband went out to buy a gift, and he saw some cute little music boxes. A blue one was playing "Happy Birthday to You." Thinking they were all the same, he picked up a red one and asked the clerk to have it gift-wrapped.
When we sat down to dinner, he gave it to me, asked me to open it and— surprise—out came the tune to "The old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be."
#116"My hearing had gotten worse, and ultimately I was faced with a decision: buy a pontoon boat, which I could enjoy all summer, or get a hearing aid. The choice was obvious—to me at least. However, my sisters did not approve of the boat.
One day during lunch with them, I was having trouble following the conversation. Finally I leaned over to one of my sisters and asked what had just been said.
"You should have brought along your pontoon boat," she replied.
#117"I asked my 91-year-old father, “Dad, what were your good old days?” His thoughtful reply: “When I wasn’t good, and I wasn’t old."
#118"While taking a clinical history from an elderly patient, I asked, “How’s your love life?” “I don’t know,” he said. “I’ll ask my wife.” He got up, walked into the hallway where his wife was sitting, and shouted, “Hey, the doctor wants to know if we still have sex.” His wife shouted back, “No, the only thing we have is Medicare and Blue Cross.”
#119"Over dinner, I could sense something was bothering my mother, so I asked if anything was wrong. “Yes,” she admitted. “What’s all this I hear on the news about banning baking products?” I patted her hand reassuringly and said, “That’s vaping products.”
#120A beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his hands out. “Please, Señora,” the poor man pleads, “I haven't eaten all day.” “Good,” says the grandmother. “Now you won't have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim.”
#121At the restaurant, a sign read "Karaoke Tonight!" Grandma studied it before asking, "What kind of fish is that?"
#122An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you're in great shape," says the doctor afterward. "How do you do it?"
"Well," says Mr. Smith, "I don't drink, I don't smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me."
Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said.
"I don't think that's anything to worry about," she says. "And on the bright side, it does explain who's been peeing in the fridge."
#123"After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs, she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or fast-forward tapes or move the needle on her record player.
"Knowing she was not that technically astute, I called her a few days later to see how she was managing. "Fine. I listened to Shania Twain this morning," she said.
"The whole CD?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "just one side."
#124"I was with my husband at a baseball game in Boston's Fenway Park when I decided to go get myself a hot dog. As I stood up my husband asked me to buy him a beer. The young clerk at the concession stand asked to see verification of age.
"You've got to be kidding," I said. "I'm almost 40 years old." He apologized, but said he had to insist. When I showed him my license, the clerk served me the beer. "That will be $4.25."
I gave him $5 and told him to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me," I said.
He put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks," he said. "Works every time."
#125"Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.
"I've already done that," replied my friend. "I did it last year."
"You have to do it every year," she was told.
"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"
#126"While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"
"What do you say?" she said.
Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."
The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.
#127"Having fought the battle of the bulge most of my life, I found the battle getting even harder as I approached middle age. One evening, after trying on slacks that were too tight, I said to my husband, "I'll be so glad when we become grandparents. After all, who cares if grandmothers are fat?"
His prompt reply: "Grandfathers."
#128Three old ladies are at the park talking when the topic of how wonderfully devoted their children are comes up.
The first lady says: “I have a daughter like you wouldn’t imagine. Every winter she takes me to Florida for two weeks!”
The second lady, not to be outdone, says: “Pfft, you think you’ve got it good? My daughter takes me to Hawaii every summer for 2 months!”
The third lady looks at both of them and says “You two think you have good daughters. You don't know what it means to have a good daughter. You know what my daughter does? Every Sunday, she goes to her psychologist and pays him $200 an hour just to talk about me!”
#129A man goes to the doctor to get some test done. When the doctor comes back he says "I have bad news and worse news." The patients says "Well give me the bad news first doc" The doctor replies "The bad news is you have cancer" The patient exclaims "Wow what's the worse news then?" The doctor says "The worse news is you have Alzheimers" The patient says "Well at least I don't have cancer!"
#130"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law." —Jerry Seinfeld
#131"Our dear friend Trudy attended my husband's birthday party. Though she's been through a lot—including a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery—Trudy was the life of the party as usual. Hugging her good-bye, I couldn't help noticing she had nothing on under her blouse.
"Trudy, you're not wearing a bra!" I whispered.
With a twinkle in her eye she replied, "I may be 70, honey, but they're only 15."
#132What are the three best things about Alzheimer’s Disease?
1. You make new friends every day.
2. You can laugh at all the old jokes.
3. You make new friends every day.
#133"I was turning 40 and decided to celebrate by fulfilling my longtime dream to go sky-diving. Before the jump, my mother and I spent the day at a festival, where we bumped into two of my cousins. They inquired about my upcoming birthday, and when I told them about my jump from 10,000 feet, I could tell they were a bit mystified.
Finally one of them remarked, "Why don't you just get your breasts done like everyone else?"